What is it to be Loved?
by Xero-zerO
Summary: Hiccup feels left out. He doesn't fit in, he is always dissapointing everyone, and he can't take it anymor. He wants to feel loved, but knows it will never happen. Rated m for: Yaoi and attempted suicide. A tuffcup emo story for Karina's Birthday.


**What it is to be Loved**

**A/N:** Hey, I've updated Let Go, so I thought I'd write this nice little angst filled Tuffcup for My amazing editor Karina. And because I love my fans as much as I love her, I'm going to upload it here. Please enjoy.

**Karina:** This is a fic written for my birthday. I feel loved. Now, if I could just get the rest of the world to bend to my will.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything but this plot.

**WARNING! This is a YAOI meaning Boy on boy love action. It is also kind of depressing. If this isn't your thing, then please feel free to stop reading here. But if you are into that kind of thing, please keep reading.**

Hiccup hated this place. He didn't fit in. No body understood him. He felt like he was all alone. Sighing, he looked over the edge of the cliff he was sitting on, at the ocean that was churning and crashing underneath him. He knew that it could be so easy. He just had to scoot a few more inched and he would fall from this place. He would end all his pain.

No more name calling... no more disappointing his father and his village... no more watching the dragons that he understood so well be killed... no more getting ignored... no more pain... no more anything.

Hiccup gripped at his chest as new tears fell down his face. That's what he hated most about this place. The pain it caused him. He felt like his chest had been ripped to pieces, leaving a huge empty hole in its wake. Due to who he was, he had expectations he had to live up to. Expectations that he knew he could never fulfill.

He was a pitiful excuse for a Viking. He thought too much, he was scrawny, he was a coward, and to top it all off, he had to act like everything was fine so as to not worry anyone. That's the one thing he didn't want to do, worry the people around him. That's why he'd been secluding himself away from everyone for the past few months. So that when he was gone... they wouldn't even notice.

He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, letting a new wave of tears fall down. He let himself run dry, looking over the cliff edge to the stars and the moon, looking for the courage he needed from them.

He used to come out here to just talk about his troubles, because the stars were the only things that would listen without making fun of him. The only problem was the distance between him and those stars. All he could do was talk to them. He couldn't touch them, couldn't hear them, couldn't be embraced by them... couldn't be loved by them.

More than anything, he wanted somebody to love him. He wanted to feel loved, wanted to love, wanted someone to share his troubles with, and someone to rely on him when they were feeling down. He knew that would never happen though.

In this village, it was the tough that survived, not the ones who needed to cry on someone's shoulder. It just wasn't done here, and if it was, you were weak... useless. No one needed you, no one wanted you around. You needed to be strong to get what you wanted in this place.

Being strong was one of the things that he couldn't do. He looked down at the ocean again. His eyes became distant as he stood. He sighed. He had stopped thinking. It always stopped him from doing what he really wanted to do. This was it. He was going to end it. He was going to end everything. He looked back up at the stars, a weak smile gracing his face. He closed his eyes and took another step forward his feet meeting the edge of the cliff.

"Thank you for listening to me." Hiccup said quietly dropping his foot over the edge. He was falling. He enjoyed the feeling of it. He felt at peace, finally he was able to actually do something. His smile never left his face. He smacked down on the water, after that... he didn't feel anything anymore.

XxX

He was in pain. That's all he was aware of. Everything hurt, yet at the same time, he was completely numb. He was weak. He couldn't even open his eyes. He was vaguely aware of his lack of a shirt, and that he wasn't alone. There were other people with him. They were talking, but he couldn't hear them. He couldn't hear much over a faint buzzing sound. He couldn't keep himself from slipping out. He let himself get pulled under again.

XxX

A month had passed. Hiccup hadn't woken up yet. Everyone at the village had given up on him, even his father. Everyone that is, except for Tuffnut. Tuffnut hadn't given up hope. He just knew that someone like Hiccup, someone full of life and joy, couldn't be ended this easily. Hiccup was currently at one of the abandoned homes in the village, because the medical team needed the extra room. Hiccup's dad couldn't house him, because he said "It caused him too much pain," and Tuffnut couldn't house him at his home because it would raise suspicion with his parents that he had gone soft.

So, here he was. He had told his parents that he had gone to the woods about two weeks ago to get some survival training in after Hiccup had been dumped out of the hospital. He quickly realized how much attention Hiccup really needed. About every hour, he would check his pulse just to make sure it was normal. He couldn't eat, so Tuffnut had to crush everything up and sit Hiccup up to slide it all down. He had to bath Hiccup (not that he minded), and had to make sure he was still breathing. Everything he could think of for Hiccup, he did.

It had been a month since Tuffnut dove in the water after the scrawny Viking. He blamed himself for the whole thing. He knew there would have been a way for him to stop Hiccup. If he had just said something...

It hurt Tuffnut when he realized how much pain Hiccup was in and that he was the cause of some of it. If he had only noticed Hiccup excluding himself, if he had only noticed how distant he had been to everyone lately... If only he done something when he noticed Hiccup crying.

Tuffnut had come across Hiccup at the cliff a few times, and made it sort of a habit to listen to him empty his heart out to the heavens. It was oddly... comforting to the male Thorston twin. Listening to Hiccup just talk on an on calmed him. It would usually annoy him to no end if it was anyone but his sister. Hiccup was the first non-family member that he could stand to listen to.

Tuffnut looked down at Hiccup's face. There was something about it that soothed him as well. He didn't understand it quite yet, but something inside of him told Tuffnut that he needed to protect Hiccup, from everything, including Hiccup's own self. Tuffnut knew he couldn't let Hiccup feel as alone as he had before... and Tuffnut knew just how to do it.

He stroked Hiccup's amazingly soft brown mop of hair as he looked over the others face. It was adorable. From the freckles to the soft pink lips... even the button like nose was adorable. Tuffnut sighed happily to himself, continuing to pet Hiccup's hair.

XxX

Hiccup felt something rough going over his forehead. He didn't open his eyes, but he knew someone was there. All he had to do was wait for the person, who was _petting_ him, to leave so that he could get out of here. He didn't know where he was, he didn't know what time it was. There was just too much he didn't know. He didn't even know who was with him. The hand was a little bigger than his own, so it couldn't have been an adult. It was too bony to be anyone but Astrid o the twins. The movements were gentle, so he didn't think it was either of the twins. That left Astrid, one of the few people he _really_ didn't want to be there. He mentally sighed, wishing that the one person he wanted to be there was.

XxX

Tuffnut had been sitting and staring at Hiccup's face for a long while. He licked his lips, his eyes darting back to Hiccup' own. They looked so soft, so... gentle. He almost didn't know what to make of them. He felt the extreme urge to kiss them, but he knew he shouldn't. That would be taking advantage of Hiccup in his weakened state.

But then again... who would know? It was just them two alone... and it wasn't like Hiccup would know. Tuffnut's eyes scanned the rest of Hiccup's face to try to distract him from his curiosity, but nothing worked. His eyes just kept darting back to Hiccup's lips. Hiccup's lips were slightly parted in his sleep like state. They were almost... inviting.

Tuffnut couldn't hold himself back any more. His hand moved down from Hiccup's hair to rest on his cheek. He leaned closer to Hiccup, looking at him one more time. He smiled to no one in particular, and slowly connected their lips.

Hiccup's eyes shot open and he jumped, moving away from the person. He gasped, looking away from whoever it was. H stumbled a bit off the side of the bed and fell to the floor, wincing in pain. He looked himself over. He was dressed, that much he was thankful for. He tried to stand up, but there was something wrong with his left leg. He looked down and gasped at the weird looking metal foot and shin.

He quickly felt all over himself, trying to find any other abnormalities. He relaxed a little when he didn't find any. He turned his attention to the other person. Hiccup blushed as he looked at the other teen. It definitively wasn't Astrid. Tuffnut smiled across the room from where he was sitting in a chair next to the bed.

"T... Tuffnut?" He asked, his voice a little quid and dry from not being used in a month. Tuffnut smiled and stood.

"You woke up, huh? You know, you've been out for a month now." Tuffnut said crossing his arms over his chest.

"A... a month?" Hiccup asked again, looking around the small house for any way that he could get out of there. No matter how much he wanted to be with the other teen, it wasn't going to happen right now. He wanted it to happen but at the same time, he didn't want it. He just wanted to wallow in self-pity for having messed up in even trying to kill himself. Everything he tried to do right always got fucked up.

"Yeah. I've been taking care of you. You know, the village kind of gave up on you." Tuffnut said in a gentle voice that surprised Hiccup. Hiccup looked at him with a blank expression when he realized what the blond had meant

"Why shouldn't they have? It's not like I was anything to them before..." Hiccup looked at the ground, feeling tears try to push themselves out from his eyes. He didn't even flinch when he heard Tuffnut walk over to him like he usually would have.

"Hiccup, don't say that! A lot of people cared about you-"

"Who Tuff? My dad? Yeah, he's the chief, he's supposed to care. He hasn't known what to do with me since my mother died. Anyone else you care to list? I am nobody! No one cares about what happ-" Hiccup was abruptly slammed against the wall behind him, Tuffnut's lips on his once again to keep him quiet. When Tuffnut broke away, he glared at Hiccup.

"Don't ever say that no one cares. You've, at least, got me. Who else would have taken care of you for a month while you were in a coma? Hmm?" Tuffnut growled out, looking into Hiccup's eyes. Hiccup gaped at him for a moment and then tears started to fall again. Tuffnut pulled him to his chest as the scrawny Viking let it all out. He wasn't ashamed of Hiccup, every man needs a good cry every once and a while. Tuffnut kissed the top of Hiccup's head. He needed to show him that there were people in this place that loved him.

Hiccup soon quieted, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, causing it to expose his wrist. Dark jagged scars jumped out at Tuffnut, who quickly gripped the arm and pulled it towards him so that he could look at the scars. They were all over his wrist in every direction

"Hiccup..." Tuffnut whispered out, looking from the scars to Hiccup's downcast eyes.

"What? They're just scars. Most Vikings have them."

"Not these kinds of scars, Hiccup! What were you thinking?" Tuffnut let his voice get a little louder than it should have been, causing Hiccup to flinch.

"That I wanted it to end." Hiccup said in a flat voice, still looking away from Tuffnut,

"What did you want to end Hiccup?" Tuffnut asked, though he thought he knew the answer.

"Everything." Hiccup whispered out. Tuffnut looked at the scars for a long moment and then sighed, bringing the wrist up to his mouth and kissing it lightly. His gaze turned back to Hiccup.

"Please, promise me that you won't ever do anything like this again. I want to help you get through this. I want to show you that I care for you, and there's only way that I can think of. Now, if you promise me that you'll stop, and you break that promise, I'm not sure I'll be able to help you next time." Tuffnut sighed, and pulled Hiccup into his lap and held him there.

"Hiccup... I-I love you, I just can't keep watching you do this to yourself." Tuffnut said weakly, hoping to get his point accost.

Hiccup looked up at him through wide eyes. Never in eve his dreams did he think this would happen. It was all so sudden, but it was what he always wanted. He almost didn't trust it. He was never one to get what he wanted out of life. It always found a way to fuck him over. Maybe this'll be one of those things as well. He pushed those thoughts out of the way and decided to focus on the good things that were happening now.

Hiccup looked up at Tuffnut, and smiled.

"I promise... if you promise never to let me down." Hiccup said, slowly closing the gap between their lips again. Tuffnut eagerly complied, kissing Hiccup back. Tuffnut licked at Hiccup's lip, and Hiccup opened his mouth in approval. Tuffnut took the opportunity to invade Hiccup's mouth. Hiccup moaned out slightly as Tuffnut's wet muscle rubbed against his own.

Tuffnut slowly broke the kiss, standing to pick Hiccup up and bring him over to the bed. He gently set Hiccup down before crawling on top of him. Tuffnut pulled gently at his shirt. Hiccup got the hint and sat up slightly so the fabric could slide off of him. Tuffnut tossed the shirt off in some random direction and ripped his own off as well.

He leaned back down, and kissed down Hiccup's chin till he got to his neck. Hiccup arched his back and moaned out. He was being bombarded with new emotions and feelings. His mind was fogging over, and his eyes were becoming glossy. He could feel his pants becoming very tight. Tuffnut slowly trailed one of his hands down Hiccup's torso, stopping to rest at the hem of his pants.

In one swift motion, Hiccup's pants were stripped off of him, leaving him like a new born to the world. He didn't mind as much as he thought he would, he just looked up at Tuffnut, moving his own hands to mess with the male twin's hem. Tuffnut quickly removed his own pants and looked down at Hiccup again. He pushed three fingers into Hiccup's mouth, and Hiccup licked at them, not sure what else to do with them.

After a few moments of sucking and licking, Hiccup marginally bit one of them to tell Tuffnut he was done with them. Tuffnut removed his fingers, and lifted Hiccup's right leg around, so that it would drape over his hip. He positioned his fingers outside of Hiccup's entrance, and slowly pushed one in. It took a minute to adjust, but when he did, Hiccup nodded and Tuffnut stuck another finger in, stretching Hiccup out more.

Hiccup felt like his ass was on fire. Then, another feeling over took that one and he began to pant when Tuffnut inserted the third and final finger. Hiccup had never known that there could be an enjoyable mix of pleasure and pain. He arched his back and screamed out when Tuffnut brushed something inside of him, almost causing him to climax right then and there.

Tuffnut slowly pulled his fingers out before spitting on his hand and slicking down his member. He positioned himself outside of Hiccup, and leaned down to kiss him, hoping to distract him from the pain as he was being breached

Hiccup moaned out and Tuffnut shuddered as he fully entered Hiccup. The brunette whined a little and moved his hips, trying to get Tuffnut to move, which worked. The blond started out slow, but as he came closer to his climax, his thrusts became more erratic and faster. He snaked a hand around and in between them, where he began to pump Hiccup's member in time with his thrusts, earning an entirely new series of sounds to erupt from the smaller Viking.

Tuffnut knew he wouldn't be able to take much more, but when Hiccup came, he broke as well. He came into Hiccup, thrusting a few more times to ride it out. He slowly pulled out of Hiccup and pulled him close.

"So this is what it's like to be loved?" Hiccup asked, and Tuffnut shrugged.

"I'm sure for a lot of people, it's different. This is the only way I could think to show you my love." Tuffnut explained.

"Well, it worked."

"Glad to hear it."

**A/N: Tsuki-** Okay, hope you enjoyed this Karina. You too fans. All of you!

**Karina- **Tsuki, dear, I love you but you're spelling sucks and you're not allowed to write/type after midnight. I loved this. Thank you.

**Tsuki:**Sorry... but you know you loved it.


End file.
